Artificial turf for Al Leber Field? But at what price???

Posted: 04/01/2012 - by matt madsen

Search engine behemoth Google and computing giant Apple have made St. Albert Schools an offer reminiscent of Don Corleone of “The Godfather” fame—one we can’t refuse. Or can we?

The digital dynamic duo has offered to install state-of-the-art field turf on the Al Leber football field, Chuck Wolever baseball field and the Saintes softball complex at no cost to St. Albert schools. Included in the package under consideration by the St. Albert administration are new scoreboards, wiring, campus-wide Wi-Fi and new uniforms for teams that use those fields.

This largesse carries some unusual stipulations, not all of which are yet available to SASF. For example the endzones & outfields would be painted with icons for apps like Foursquare & Words with Friends while the goal lines would be dubbed the Gmail lines. The mascots would remain the “Falcons” & “Saintes, but each time we tallied a TD or field goal, the PA would guy or gal would have to say, “Another score for the Angry Birds!!!”

Each uniform is reported to be equipped with a thin, flexible screen capable of HD images at 1200 dpi. They would display commercial messages between plays. If distributed to Super Fans, such electronic shirts could project school spirit without body paint. However, the computer whiz kids at Google and Apple would control the text. Interestingly, the phrases “GO SAINTES” and “BUY AN IPAD” each have the same number of letters.

SASF tried to reach Google and Apple for comment but their spokes-model androids were not programmed to respond. (They do fit in the trunk nicely, however.)

School President Joe Connolly said the offer was under consideration by the school board, but they had made no decision yet. While declining to comment directly on the offer and what influencing factors may be in play he did say, “Hey, check out this screaming new I-phone pre-beta version unavailable to the general public or even most Apple employees. All the school board members have ‘em, too.”

Reached for comment, Falcons boys basketball coach Dale Scott was incensed that the offer didn’t extend to the floor at The Palace. Saintes hoops boss Dick Wettengel shared Coach Scotts’ indignation. “What are we, chopped liver?”, Wettengel was heard to say.

Girls volleyball coach Angie Lantz wasn’t fazed by the snub of the home hardwood. She told SASF, “The geeks at Google are not what we’re about! Pocket protectors are a sign of weakness.” Wrestling mentor Jake Driver agreed, “My apes don’t need apps. My grapplers eat dorks & dorkettes like that for breakfast (when we’re not trying to make weight).”

Boys golf coach Tom Heithoff said he’s not concerned one way or the other. His linksters have received tons of secret cash from the multi-national conglomerate, **&$*^#^*, (censored) for the past 17 years. Bowling coach Ken Meshling acknowledged the clandestine gravy train, noting, “You think those sweet wrist braces and stylish shirts come cheap?”

The IHSAA (boys) and IGHSAU (girls) have been notified about the possibility to make sure the arrangement does not violate any of their policies. An anonymous source for the governing bodies said, “We don’t want to sanction anything that will make the farm bureau or bankers association mad at us and take their money elsewhere. We’re bought and paid for already—I mean, we want to honor our commitment to our fine sponsors”.

Watch SASF for more salacious details.

 

SASF investigative report by Matt Madsen

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